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2005-10-18 - 10:29 p.m.

So for those of you who don't know, a few months before I joined the Army my fiance broke up with me, admitting several days afterward that she had feelings for the guy who had been my best friend since I was 4 years old. Obviously not a pleasant experience, despite the fact that subconciously I knew about those two for months beforehand.
Anyway, long story short, I go on to join the Army and go to war and all that bullshit, knowing that my "best friend" and the girl that I thought I'd marry were happy at home fuckin each other in the ass and enjoying the wonderful American lifestyle that I was getting shot at to defend.
If war makes you realize one thing, it is your own mortality. And so, upon returning from Iraq and realizing how fragile life really is, I decided to get back in touch with them knowing that life would be quite miserable if I just stayed pissed off for the rest of my life. It's not like we all became close friends again or anything...I just felt that I needed to try to put everything behind me, and those two were actually quite relieved to hear from me.
So over the last few years I've talked to the "best friend" every so often. Talked to the ex once and that was enough for me. I can't really take much more of her than that.
Moving right along....the "best friend"........ah, fuck it, his name's Mark....no need to hide names here I guess.....anyway, Mark calls me tonight as he does every few months or so. Normal conversation, how've you been, how's life, sorry I'm screwin your ex, all that shit. Polite and awkward as usual. Then Mark tells me that he and Kat (the ex's name if you can't figure it out) are moving in together. Great. Good for them. Not that I really want to hear anything about either of them.
The moving in together news follows with news of her being pregnant with his kid (hopefully anyway, but one never does know with nasty sluts, huh?).
It seems to me that by now this should not really be a big deal. After all, it was years ago when all this shit with us happened. Yet for some reason, a small part of me still hopes that the kid comes out deformed and retarted and that Kat never loses the baby weight.
I can't help but wonder if this is normal or not. It can't possibly be healthy to hold a grudge so long, but honestly if Kat were to get ass raped by a gorilla and have her unborn child eaten by said gorilla's offspring a small evil part of my soul would smile. And laugh at the grief that Mark would go through afterward.
Is this because I'm just a fucked up person who can't let shit go, or are all people just as fucked up in general as I am?
Or maybe I'm just living proof of the effects that a war can have on someone. Bring out the best in a man, make them realize their mortality and how fragile and important life is yet at the same time bring out the animal instincts that cause an almost pleasurable feeling from killing a man?
I suppose I may never know.....
I'm happily married now.....my wife and I have our rocky moments and our fights like any other couple but I love her far more than I ever could have loved Kat, but seeing Kat and Mark live happily ever after still hurts for some reason.
Maybe it's just selfishness. Like in the back of my head somewhere I'm thinking "How can you guys life happy like this knowing how bad you hurt me?". But then again, why should they care? They obviously have better things to worry about, particularly with a kid on the way. I probably wouldn't care if I were in their shoes.
This is one of the lessons you learn in the Army. You will go to war to defend the American people. You will risk your life and either yourself or your friends will be killed. When you come back you will be hated by the very people you fought to protect. You'll be spat on and called a murderer by countless college hippies. Yet you hold your head high and do your duty anyway because it's what's expected of you and because you know better than those naive civilians. Be above them, be smarter than them. Pity them, even.
In some way the same mentality could apply to Mark and Kat. Sure, I was hurt, yet I should be able to be above them, be smarter than them. Easier said than done. And the worst part is that I don't understand why.
Live and learn I suppose......I'll figure it out one day.

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